Well

Cy · nakayoshi Joined: 30 Oct 2007 Posts: 11

I'm not sure if I should write this here, but right now I'm feeling kind of deep.

Well I just watched this movie called Awake. It's pretty dramatic actually. I don't want to spoil anything for someone who might read this, but I'll just say, its my taste. It has one of those sad endings that I love because they make me appreciate life.

Its about love. Betrayal. Sacrifice. Everything a good drama needs.

The kind of stuff that makes you feel like you have an elephant sitting on you chest. That makes you feel like you need to make your life worth something while you still have time to. It really makes me reflect.

For a split second I thought about myself. Where am I now. How did I get here. How can I be happy here. So many questions. Its up to me to make the most out of every day, hour, minute. Second.

Don't let anything stand in your way. Don't let anyone take your pride away from you.

And you know what. I realize that I'm dying. Everyone is dying of course, but ...

My, what's the word I want to see here. Heart? Soul? Essence? True self? I don't know but,

My life. None of it seems real. Day in. Day out. Same shit. I wake up and I go to school. Later I go to work. Then I spend money on food. Or call someone. If I'm not at work or school then I'm at home doing something else that doesn't feel real.

I think I know what I'm doing wrong. I'm just too scared to change it. And

I think

I'm not only letting myself down.

I'm letting everyone down.

I may do nice things.

I may sacrifice.

I may say "I love you".

But maybe its just as fake to them as it is to me.

And I don't think its just hurting me. I think its hurting everyone. Slowly. On a molecular level.

I don't know how many things I've seen or heard recently and just called out "Bullshit"

And even if I don't say it. I feel it. And I feel it towards things, sometimes, that I think i shouldn't, or even don't want to feel it toward.

Is it because I'm afraid? Am I afraid of what's real? Of emotion?

Anyway, I just realized all of this shit I'm writing. Its probably really obscure. Whether I should, or can, be more specific, I'm not sure. Anyway I wrote this here because I just need to form me thoughts, but I want someone else to know to. Or at least to see. I guess I'm not looking for advice. Maybe its something I should find for myself.

But if you have anything to say.

Seriously. Please do.

Anyway, I guess I've said enough. Thank you for letting me open up a little. I hope my existence has meaning.
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Cy · nakayoshi Joined: 30 Oct 2007 Posts: 11

I mean.

To everything. To smiles. To hellos.

To my teachers, friends. Whoever.

Everyone is full of bullshit.

You arne't really happy so why do you keep telling yourself that.

Thats how I feel. But I guess I'm just reflecting myself on them.

Damn.

Lately I've been kind of careless. I let myself feel anger toward people and things. Toward myself I guess. More than usual. I've let myself hate things. And I think thats what I'm feeling now. Just psychological injury. And I know I've been psychologically weaker lately too. So. I'll put away some time to the side to just sit and think I guess. And to put my mind back in order. Meditation. Is it key? I'll find out.

By the way, if I seem emo or suicidal or something, I'm not. It was just a quick outburst. I'll probably read this later and delete it when I realize I sound so stupid and don't want anyone to see it anymore.
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omoi · Site Admin Joined: 04 Nov 2006 Posts: 154 Location: GA

I understand all of your thoughts completely and I think you are on the right road to finding things out.

If I could put in my two cents worth, I think you should allow yourself to be angry about something. I don't know how people go through life thinking they can experience the feeling of truly loving something without knowing what it is to truly hate something else. Love is exclusive like that; to love one thing is to hate another.

Going on from there, I think you should actually allow yourself to feel all of your feelings until they run their course. Control your actions of course, but if you are sad, then feel sad until the sadness passes. Each thing we feel, positive and negative has its place and the time we spend repressing those feelings for one reason or another ultimately does damage to everything because those feelings never truly go away; they always find a way to be released or resurface. The longer we hold the feeling, the more powerful it becomes (and therefore harder to handle when its expression pours out of us like a flood).

Another thing I don't want you to do is to think that the feelings of love toward other people you have experienced isn't real; it is. Just trust me on this. You may feel, however, that people haven't been as real with you as you have been with them. That's understandable; I am sure you have a reason for feeling that way, but I would ask you, after having those thoughts, to think about the people who have told you that they care. We aren't all fake. We're not all real by any means, but we're not all fake, either.

You aren't letting anyone down, but I think you are on your way to becoming more alive. Don't be angry at the process. It's frustrating as hell, not going to lie about that.

Finally, maybe it's not the fact that things are fake. You are just experiencing what I like to call a "call to eterity". It's not that it's fake, but maybe you're realizing it is temporary and you want something permanent. I know that feeling well.

I'm here for you, as I have been for months (although we never talk it seems). Talk away (and don't delete these posts).
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Cy · nakayoshi Joined: 30 Oct 2007 Posts: 11

Hey, I told you I'd post one of these days.

Anyway, you're really making me think here.

"To love one thing is to hate another."

I guess this is the point where I figure out the meaning of love・・・ and the meaning of hate. And everything in between.

You know, as a kid I pretty much learning the meaning of these words from things like Disney movies and kingdom hearts. When I really started thinking about it I just imagined love as something we all feel but we never understand. Maybe love isn't really the feeling. Maybe its the things we do ・・・ or how we do them. I'm not sure. Anyway I've written enough for now.

Seriously. Thanks Omoi. I appreciate you. Thanks alot.
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omoi · Site Admin Joined: 04 Nov 2006 Posts: 154 Location: GA